“April is a moment of joy for those who have survived the winter.”
Samuel (Dr) Johnson (1709 – 1784)
Just realised that my last post was my 80th Time after Time blog. Quite a lot for me to write and for other people to read! In line with managing my life more sensibly, I have decided to publish my blog quarterly instead of each month. It will appear at the beginning of April, July, September and January, (approximately Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter)
Everything takes me longer these days. Two years ago I could be up, dressed, ready to go out in the morning in 20 minutes. Now it takes me at least an hour, probably more. Tasks like emptying the dishwasher and hanging up washing take at least 30 minutes. I can no longer multitask in the way I always took for granted.
And I can’t sing any more. Having sung in choirs and occasionally on stage as well as just around the house, my voice has gone hoarse and croaky. It’s another Parkinson’s thing. I chose No More I Love Yous by Annie Lennox to kind of express my feeling of loss ‘Language is leaving me in silence‘.
Another line that resonates is ‘I used to have monsters in my room at night‘ I was an imaginative, nightmare prone child, convinced I saw ghosts, scared to look through an uncurtained window.
Like Maurice Sendak, writer of Where the Wild Things Are who said:
I remember my own childhood vividly….I knew terrible things. But I knew I mustn’t let adults know I knew. It would scare them.
The window phobia came from reading The Mystery of the Pantomime Cat by Enid Blyton, aged 8. This was the illustration I couldn’t forget. I still can’t look at a dark window in case there’s something looking back!
I rarely have nightmares now but often dream vividly of the past, sometimes about my friend J. Recently, I dreamt we were thirteen again, still wearing vests and desperate to grow up. Magazines were full of adverts for the MARK EDEN bust developer. It was supposed to give you bigger, perkier breasts in just two weeks with a money back guarantee, priced at about £5, which was much more than I earned in my Saturday job in a month.
Secretly, we buy a postal order and wait excitedly for our purchase to arrive. In the dream, we open the parcel. It contains two pink plastic clamshells with a spring and an instruction sheet.
There are eight exercises. We each take turns. It is hard work. We agree to have it week about. I have to find a suitable hiding place. I know my mother will not approve.
Of course, in the real world it doesn’t work, and in another six months we have caught up with our peers and have bras like everyone else.
I have found out that Mark Eden was the invention of a couple called Jack and Eileen Feather who were sued by the US Postal Service for making fraudulent claims.
My friend died many years ago but I often dream about her and our shared experiences. This one was really funny. I woke up laughing.
Reading, Listening, Watching
I mentioned Andrew Taylor last month and am continuing to enjoy his historical crime books set in Restoration London. I’ve finished The Ashes of London and The Kings Evil and just started The Last Protector. On our visit to Beaumaris Castle I bought a rather academic study: A Great and Terrible King: Edward 1st and the Forging of Britain by Marc Morris. It is quite long and in small print so it will take me a while.
Meantime, I am reading other things, like Breath, by James Nestor, which Cannyrob has been encouraging me to read. It’s all about nose, rather than mouth-breathing, which humans have apparently forgotten how to do. It can help conditions like asthma, COPD, sinusitis and sleep apnoea. Some proponents sleep with tape over their mouths. Don’t try this at home!
The Journey Back from Hell: Memoirs of Concentration Camp Survivors by Anton Gill fills in gaps left by Zone of Interest. I feel I need to know the truth of what happened while some of these people are still alive. It is shocking to find that many survivors found life after the war more traumatic than the camps.
The Cloisters by Katy Hays is a clever mystery set in New York with lots of Tarot references. Right now, I prefer Val MacDermid’s Karen Pirie crime series, most of which I have now read/listened to. I enjoy all the local references – from the Water of Leith to The Ceilidh Place in Ullapool.
I’ve been listening to short stories by Joyce Carol Oates. She is a writer (now 88) I discovered decades ago who has written many novels (including American Appetites, also listened to recently), but whose short stories are dark and clever. Also an anthology called Cursed, (edited by Marie O’Regan and Paul Kane), a reworking of some traditional tales and new mythologies, reminding me of the Andersen and Grimm stories of my childhood.
Sky Atlantic’s series George and Mary was packed with brilliant acting (Julianne Moore, Tony Curran, Nicholas Galitzine – very fanciable) nudity, sex and more. I did enjoy it!
Killers of the Flower Moon (Apple TV+ ) showed the exploitation of the Osage people after oil discoveries on their land. Lily Gladstone and Leonardo diCaprio turn in great performances
Napoleon (Apple TV+) directed by Ridley Scott, and starring Joaquin Phoenix, is a true epic, with visually stunning battle scenes and stirring music. We didn’t learn much about the man behind the image, however.
We finished watching For All Mankind and Masters of the Air and its accompanying documentary. (AppleTV +). We really enjoyed these very different series.
Mothers Day
I had a lovely card from my Son, a delicious casserole from one Daughter and a long phone call from the other. Cannyrob produced a gourmet hamper, consumed with a bottle of Prosecco.
Goth Granma’s Fashion Flash
I was pleased to read that bomber jackets, wide trousers and big shirts are back. I have them all in my wardrobe. I thought about buying a new dress for my niece’s commitment ceremony next month in a garden in the Borders. However, I have a nice red dress from Sweaty Betty which would go well with my Monsoon jacket. The navy trousers (Uniqlo) and green shirt will be fine for the rest of the weekend.
Wales
We had a five day campervan trip to Anglesey, visiting Beaumaris and Conwy. It was easier than our last holiday in October. I have got better at getting myself in and out of the van, and we were allocated pitches near the toilet block. Taking the wheelchair as well as Spliffy (my rollator) helped with getting around.
OP My most used accessory on holiday was my RADAR key which opens doors to disabled toilets almost everywhere in the UK. I love this one in Conwy!
I last visited Beaumaris Castle a long time ago. I was 7 months pregnant and aghast as my toddler Son scaled the battlements! Daughter (then aged 4) remembers it as a ‘fairy castle’ with its moat and drawbridge.
Three Tarot Cards
I chose to do an open reading for this post, (making a deliberate choice of cards) looking ahead to the next few months.
The Hermit was my instinctive first choice, encouraging me to step back from the busy pace of life to rest, reflect and spend time alone. He embodies solitude, carrying only his own small lamp to light his path.
Strength was also attractive. A mortal woman is taming a lion. This could represent my efforts to cope with my illness. Her power lies not in magic, but in her permanent, human strength.
The Sun represents a state of innocent delight, where our critical inner voice is silenced. I like the idea that having made my mark in the world, I can reconnect with my inner child. I find this idea very moving.
I am collecting together letters, diaries and other things from the past, reading, editing, putting things in order. This seems the right time to do it.
Pandamonium
Until Summer
This post is a bit longer than usual but I had a lot to cover. Let me know how you feel about my new schedule and any other reactions to my writing. Did you have nightmares as a child? How do you like my fashion feature? Do keep in touch. It means a lot to know you are out there! Use the comment box below, email me at timewithelinor@gmail.com, or message me on Facebook or WhatsApp.
Elinor xx
TIME AFTER TIME 